Coping While Grieving During the Holidays

The holidays are sometimes taken for granted and marked as the passage of time in our lives until you are required to cope after a loved one has died. I always enjoyed the anticipation of going to Sacramento and celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with my parents and grandparents. Being the only child and grandchild, holidays were a huge part of milestones in my family.

Christmas was never truly the same after my great-grandmother passed December 25, 2006. In some ways, it felt like another day but I always had a great anticipation whenever my grandmother would start planning the holiday menu.

In 2016, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the hardest part of grieving the passing of my grandmother. When you lose someone, your world loses its celebratory qualities. Holidays only magnify the loss, especially the first couple of years.

Grief is a natural emotional response to losing someone special to you. You may feel a variety of emotions such as sadness, confusion, anger, depression or loneliness. Food, the aroma of a familiar perfume or hearing a specific song played on the radio may seem minute to some but it’s the little things that can trigger the return of grief. Something as small as buying greeting cards or shopping for Christmas gifts can serve as a painful reminder of loss.

You will grieve differently over each person that you lose. Grief varies on the individual and sometimes because of how you lost the person or the relationship you had with them. Grief can be just as unique and distinctive as the person you’ve lost.

Everyone grieves differently and sometimes the holiday season can be the most difficult. Staying busy helps keep me “distracted” but sometimes I’m forced to face “reality.” In 2016, spending my first Thanksgiving without my grandmother was very difficult. My parents and I spent thanksgiving at my grandparents house. It was like my heart and my mind were waiting for my grandmother to walk into the room at any moment but my subconscious reminded me it wasn’t possible.

I would of given anything to hear my Nana say, “Pumpkin Head, I made you some deviled eggs.” My grandmother always had deviled eggs waiting in the refrigerator whenever I came to visit.

Coloring in my adult coloring books while watching TV in my grandparent’s bedroom helps me cope the most. I know my grandmother is physically no longer here but I feel the closest to her there.

Some say coping with death gets easier as time goes on but honestly, there is no “normal” grieving time period. I think about my grandmother daily but I find peace in knowing she’s in heaven and no longer suffering. To be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord! My grandmother may no longer be present physically but I always carry beautiful memories of her with me.

How to Cope & Heal

Of course, we know death is apart of life but I think no one is ever fully prepared to lose someone. Keep reminding yourself grieving is a process.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily routines and attempting to keep a “perfect life” we forget we’re human. It’s okay to accept your feelings. Give yourself as much time as you need.

• Get your feelings out! I don’t know about you but sometimes I’m guilty of not sharing things with people because I don’t want to be a “burden.” I’m sure you’ve used the excuse, “I don’t want to bother anyone. They’re going through stuff too.”

It’s crucial to your health that you speak with someone about your grief. See if counseling services and/or support groups are available at your church such as GriefShare . Speak with a therapist about tools that can assist in exploration of your emotions, coping skills and the most effective way to mange your grief.

GriefShare offers a “Surviving the Holidays” session that gives some great tips on how to cope with your emotions during the holidays and how to discover hope for your future. Attending the event helped me realize that others struggle with grief too. It was an emotional day for me but it truly helped me begin my journey to heal and grow. You’re able to learn about holiday survival tips that have worked for others and how some have created new traditions to honor their loved ones.

• Don’t isolate yourself! Our first instinct is to stay home. In 2016, when my grandmother passed I didn’t want to do much of anything. Grief can make you anti-social and not want to be seen. The urge to be invisible is a coping mechanism that makes you feel protected but staying in your shell is not healthy.

Take time to process your feelings. It’s okay to cry and get those emotions out but life keeps happening and you have to keep going! Spend time with family and friends. A women’s weekly bible study on biblical meditation was a huge help to me. Being around women who love the Lord and were interceding on my behalf through prayer helped me become closer to God and was a huge part of my journey to healing.

• Make “Self Care” a priority! The grieving process may vary with the individual but it’s imperative you don’t put personal healing and self-repair on the back burner. I highly recommend exercising and getting a massage regularly. Both activities boost energy, improves your mood, sleep quality, relieves tension, anxiety and reduces stress. Adult coloring and painting classes are also great stress relievers which I highly recommend.

• Encourage others who may be grieving. I live for encouraging others. When I speak life into others, I feel like I’m depositing back into myself too. Anytime you help someone else you will automatically feel better. We all get blessed by being a blessing to others.

• Starting new traditions to honor your love ones can help you cope with loss and begin the healing process. Consider donating time or money in their honor, light a candle, leave flowers on their grave, mention them in your holiday dinner prayer or share your favorite story about them on your social media profile. Finding ways to honor them can be beautiful and therapeutic.

Be Gentle Even If You Don’t Understand

Some people experience loss more than others. Some people go years before loosing someone who was close to them. In some ways, I felt very alone when I lost my grandmother. There were some people that I truly valued their friendship and it was very hurtful and disappointing when they didn’t check on me nor show any signs of compassion and empathy.

I realize discussing death or grief can be extremely difficult but your presence is sometimes more valuable and comforting than words. If you know someone who has recently lost someone, give them a hug and sit with them or take some food to their house. Call them on the phone and pray for them and their family. We’re all living extremely busy lives but we should never be too busy to send a text, make a phone call, send an email or stop by to let someone know they are thought of and loved. Pray for the brokenhearted and those suffering with various things.

Don’t ask should you help or how to help, just help! Invite them to your house, group events or out for coffee. It may take them some time to come around but their “NO’S” will eventually turn into a “YES.” Love and support is priceless when enduring the grieving process. It cost nothing for us to be kind to each other. Let’s remember to not only be kind but gentle with each other.

Creating New Memories

The holidays were very sad our first year (2016) without my grandmother but in 2017 I made a promise to myself that my family and I would create new memories of good times and togetherness during the holidays. I know that’s what my grandmother would want.

Loosing my grandmother made me realize not only how short life is but the importance of cherishing those who you still have.  Instead of focusing on my grandmother’s absence, I placed more energy on cherishing my parents and grandfather.  In 2017, we spent Christmas on a Hawaiian Cruise and had an amazing time.

I was determined to do something completely out of the norm. I knew the holidays would be different but I wanted to put a positive spin on it. Sticking to old traditions can be painful and trigger sadness. Creating new memories helps you heal and not focus on the lost. The holidays can be extremely tough but focus on it being a season of love, joy and thankfulness.

Sometimes we may never make sense of loss but God will reveal HIS heart to you as you continue to seek HIM. The secret to powerful praying is to take God the need and not the answer. God’s peace surpasses all understanding! It is in moments of tragedy that our faith is demonstrated in our movement. God’s love has a transformative power, strong enough to lift you from the pits you once thought you’d never rise above.

Grief can put you in a very dark place but we have to trust God even in the dark! Invite God to move your faith. I pray that we all can exercise our faith by praising through our pain.

God is my anchor. Victory belongs to Jesus even in tragedy. We as believers love God but we hurt and struggle with life challenges too. Death is never easy but I believe in the hope I have in Christ. Heaven is real and we will see our loved ones again. It’s normal to hurt and cry. We have to allow the void we feel, from the loss, to be filled with our faith in God. Anger, hurt, denial, sadness and grief are all normal stages when we experience death.

For All I Trust Him because HE continues to love me, comfort me when I mourn and give me strength to get through the day. Psalm 34:18 (NIV), “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I believe that God knows what HE is doing even when we don’t understand it. God is sensitive to our needs. God loves us and continues to give us strength especially when we’re broken and weak.