Every couple of weeks, my grandmother needed a blood transfusion but it took several months of testing before the doctors figured out why. May 2016, my heart stopped for a moment; she was diagnosed with Leukemia. The doctor estimated she had roughly 8 months to live.
“She’s a fighter, she will kick cancer’s butt,” that’s what I kept telling myself. She told the doctor she wanted to live and I was determined to support her every step of the way.
June 15, 2016, she began chemo and initially; she did very well. I just knew chemo would fix everything and we were on the road to recovery. Fast forward, two weeks later and she had to be admitted to the hospital. The chemo made her immune system weak; therefore, causing pneumonia.
I will never forget, the night she called me from her hospital bed and said “I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.” I knew instantly her days were probably numbered and I began to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable. I reassured her to not be worried and that no matter what, everything would be fine because God was in control. Two days later, I got a call at work that would forever shake my world upside down. Her kidneys were failing and she didn’t have much time left.
I prayed and asked the Lord to just let me make it to Sacramento to say my final goodbyes. I drove from LA to Sacramento not realizing that I only had a few hours before my Nana would be gone! By the time I arrived to the hospital, she could no longer talk but I was certain she could still hear my family and I talking to her. As my family and I sat in her hospital room, talking and sharing various stories, I had a gut feeling she would pass that night. I told my family to go home and I would spend the night with her.
I told the Lord I didn’t want my grandmother to suffer and whatever was HIS WILL was fine with me. July 17, 2016, my world as I knew it was permanently changed. As I sat next to my grandmother’s hospital bed, she grabbed my hand and I told her she could go. She began to take her last breath and I watched my grandmother peacefully transition to be with the Lord.
My grandmother was my rock, “My Nana” and she was gone! As soon as she passed, I immediately went into protective mode. I felt like it was now my job to take care of my mother and grandfather.
It may sound crazy to some but I waited until I got home from the hospital to cry. I went in the bathroom and allowed the sound of the water from the shower to silence my tears. I took my shower and put my “mask” back on.
Masking is defined as concealing one’s emotion by portraying another emotion. Wearing a mask allows you to “hide” your true feelings behind a false expression. Masking prevents the world from being aware of your true feelings and in some ways hides your true authenticity.
I wore my “strong mask” for about a year until it got to hot and heavy.
Masking your true emotions is exhausting and causes you to forget who you are. I had gotten so wrapped up in being strong for everyone else, I completely lost myself.
I had to make sure everyone else was okay, at least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
Giving yourself in everything you do can be rewarding but sometimes deadly to your health. Putting your “self-care” on the back burner is stressful and worthless. When you’re not well, you can’t help others.
Here I was, mad and bitter at the world but I could only blame myself for putting on the “strong” mask.
One day I went to my car after work and literally cried out to the Lord. Sometimes, a good cry is just what you need! I allowed myself to be vulnerable with God. I felt helpless but I was determined to not sit in such a dark and broken state. I surrendered to God; allowing HIM to pour life back into me that only HE could.
I knew, as long as I have a pulse, God has a plan for me and I was determined to find out what it was! Deciding to remove my mask was one of the most freeing moments in my life. I was hopeful that I would find Patrice again! Removing the mask allowed me to understand my own personal needs, values, goals and motives. It takes fortitude to acknowledge your limitations and embrace your own vulnerability.
We ALL wear a mask to hide the fear, that the world will see the “real you.” The mask that grins and lies to hide the existence of excruciating misery and suffering. One of our greatest fears is that we will appear weak or less than, when transparency shows your willingness to stay “true” to who you are and what you’re feeling at the moment. Vulnerability allows others to see you’re relatable and genuine.
What masks are you wearing? Name dropping to hide insecurities, bullying others because you don’t feel loved, hiding debt and living beyond your means to portray a lifestyle you can’t afford or maybe, exaggerating on social media about your relationship or marriage to make everyone think you have everything together but really you’re struggling like the rest of us.
We can’t truly be healed until we offer every piece of our brokenness to God. Transparency requires others to reevaluate their own lives and forces them to see they have the power to remove their own mask.
We’re all wearing a brave face when we don’t feel like it, and at some point, have armored ourselves with a firm “I’m OK” even when we aren’t. Why? Because we’ve shunned raw emotion and destroyed humanness with our distorted views on wellness and feeling the need to keep appearances for everyone else’s comfort.
It’s time to face ourselves. Don’t let a false sense of perfection, impose on and destroy your spirit. We all have bad days! You don’t have to permanently wear that strong mask for anyone. We ALL suffer in silence with something.
It’s okay to say, “No, I’m not okay but I WILL BE!”
Acknowledge your emotions but don’t stay there. Even though you may feel alone, God is there! He hears your cries and HE is waiting for you to surrender to HIM.
God will send you spiritual connections to help you remove the stone! (John 11:39) You are loved, full of purpose and I challenge you to cry out to God and P.U.S.H. – pray until something happens! God will give you the necessary tools to help you remove your mask and go from helpless to hopeful!
Life is a journey full of unexpected twists and turns that can sometimes feel exciting but other times miserable and lonely. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. My faith has given me strength to not only keep going but find beauty in brokenness.
While our friends and family, care about our well-being; they are fighting their own personal battles. Putting all our trust and expectations in them, will leave you disappointed and bitter. Each relationship and friendship has some type of limitations on it.